Hormones and such nonsense

I don't like making excuses, but they do say you are more hormonal and hence more emotional when you're pregnant. Perhaps that's the reason then I've been feeling really down for the past few days or maybe it's just the nagging insecurity I feel over the future.
I know it's all relative and I know I'm lucky and really, in the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to worry about, but at the moment, I am just trying to make the days pass as quickly as possible until I get to a situation where I know I am moving to Bermuda to be with Jon or he is coming back here.
So the past few days have been consumed by emailing, keeping up to date with what's going on in the newsworthy and distinctly less newsworthy worlds, going to the gym, eating and reading.
I can't bear feeling so out of control. Jon tells me not to think about it, but - for someone who thinks so much - it's not that easy.
We at least know now that our immigration forms have finally gone in, but really have no idea how long it is likely to take until they get approved or rejected by Bermudian immigration. The main problem seems to be that they should have been put in back in February when we told Bermuda about the change in our situation and about the pregnancy and then fact I would now be wanting to come to Bermuda. There doesn't seem to be a previso in the forms to allow for a common law couple, where one of them is the dependent. Had we known it would have made it that much easier to get married, we might have considered doing so back in February, but should we really be forced into doing this when we have every intention of getting married next year. Bermuda really needs Jon. There's nobody on the island capable of doing the job he has been offered and it's not as though we are two scabbies who are about to use and abuse all the island's facilities: take, take, take and do no giving. I understand it's a small island. I understand they have to be strict when they allow people work or residence permits, but we are not taking someone's job...I've even said I won't work...and we're definitely not taking anyone's accommodation, because the place that should be our living quarters has been derelict for ages because the people who own it haven't got round to renovating it for years, something Jon is now doing.
And this from an island that is a dependency of Britain, that allows its citizens British passports, which not only allows them to work on British soil, but supposedly anywhere in the EU. It makes me so frustrated. I understand that things work at a different pace in Bermuda. I've lived in Peru long enough to become a little more patient, but there seems to be absolutely no understanding that I can't sit around here for ever and that, sooner rather than later, we need answers, particularly because I need to tell the BBC if I am staying or going...only polite, afterall. I can technically travel until 36 weeks, but the nesting instinct is coming more and more to the fore and I JUST WANT TO KNOW...DAMMIT and start making some plans about where Jelly Bean is going to be born. And, I don't feel like I can make those plans until someone says to me, 'ok, you can come to Bermuda' or 'no, you can't come'.
It doesn't help that it's so hard at the moment to communicate with Jon, that he has this massive aversion to emails and, even if he didn't, he's probably working really hard and the foundation hasn't even bothered setting him up with a computer yet, plus the fact that calls between Peru and Bermuda are exorbitant and really, what is the point in me calling him if things develop there even slower than democracy in Iraq.
I know this sounds like an embittered, spoilt brat rant...for which I am sorry. When you sit by yourself practically all day with nobody to really talk to, you need some kind of way of expelling your thoughts and emotions. I hope therefore it doesn't seem like I am a whining ungrateful cow and I appreciate in advance anyone with the patience to read this.
With some time on my hands and the increasing indifference the BBC seems to have towards all things Peruvian, I have found myself spending more and more time researching the phenomenon that is pregnancy on the web. Not one to want to be defined by my condition, I have given pregnancy chatrooms somewhat of a wide berth, but am always astounded by the little communities that seem to be constructed around the world by people who have nothing else to talk about other than the fact they are pregnant. I know I've been doing it a lot recently, but surely there must be other things to talk about?
Or, perhaps it's just that I'm jealous...that subconsciously I want to be part of that little world, or some such nonsense. It does scare me a little when I see people like some bloke in Bermuda with his blog writing about the kind of buggy they are going to get and whether or not they need a new car to fit the buggy in, and all the other preparations people seem to be making so early on. I know we can't do that and I know we are slightly different in that we are used to travelling around the world, moving about and don't really feel the need for all the massive number of accoutrements some people go for. But sometimes I feel almost like it's wrong that I am getting excited that I want to be able to pick a crib and a buggy and buy teddy bears.
I know some people show their emotions and excitement in different ways to others. I know that material things are much less important than parental love. I know this baby will have all the love in the world from both its parents, but I just wish I could feel a little happier and more certain about events and less guilty for being such a moody one.
Well, tomorrow is a new day. Mark is back from Chile, so at least I will have some company here in the apartment. We'll probably go to Starbucks and put the world to right over a muffin and a latte (decaf for me) and then we're planning on cooking in the evening for the two of us and a French friend of his. I'm going to go to the cinema in an hour or so to see 'Goodnight and Good luck'. I went to see the Da Vinci Code last night, which was better than I had anticipated, although very very long. About an hour into the film, there was an earth tremor, which is never fun when you're underground. I've been in a cinema once before when there was a mini-earthquake and I really wouldn't like to think what would have happened had it been larger than last night's 4.5 on the richter scale. Still, it was nice to get out and Hal and Lorna walked me home afterwards, which was sweet of them. Tonight I am going by myself and I really should eat something before I do so, so I'll love you and leave you for now.
With love from the loony.
Han
xxx